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Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat...
Kat Stratford: Tempestuous?
Ms. Perky: 'Heinous bitch' is the term used most often.

Domingo: Are you guys even real cops? You look like the kids on Halloween.
Tom Hanson: If them boys is cops, I'm DEA.
[Schmidt does a fake laugh]
Schmidt: I know! Right? I know! It's hilarious.
[Schmidt stops laughing]
Schmidt: So why don't you show us a little respect?
Domingo: Fuck you, pig!
Jenko: Hey! You want me to beat your dick off?
Domingo: You want to beat my dick off?
Jenko: I'll beat your dick off with both hands. What's up? Let's go.
One-Percenter #1: That's weird, man!
Schmidt: I think what he was trying to say was, he's gonna punch you so many times round the genital area that...that your dick's just gonna fall off.

Captain Dickson: That's her buying drugs on campus, and that's the dealer. Find him and we'll find the supplier.
Schmidt: Sir, can I just say, it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim. I mean, we care so much more because she's black.
Jenko: I...I think what he's really trying to say is that we care equally. It's a tie really how much we care.
Schmidt: Um...no we're not. If it was a white person I wouldn't even care. One less crackerass crackhead to worry about.
Captain Dickson: Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up? Infiltrate the dealer, find the supplier!

Register Woman: Guns. Mask. You sure you all don't wanna grab some condoms?
Nick: No. Why?
Register Woman: Because this is usually what men buy before they rape someone.
Chet: Oh, we're not rapists! Us two, small fries? No way.
[she gives them a cold unbelieving look]
Register Woman: Is it gonna be cash or credit for your rape kit?
[Chet put a box of hamburger slider kit on the counter]
Chet: Hey, is a slider station in a rape kit? Cause we're gettin' one of those too.
Nick: We'll pay cash.
Chet: Not into rape, just into sliders.

Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not everybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!

Kyle: You're gonna be fine.
Adam: Yeah.
Kyle: You're gonna be fine. Fifty fifty! If you were a casino game, you'd have the best odds.
Adam: Yeah. Thanks.

Ed Harken: A lot of you have been hearing the affiliates complaining about a lack of diversity on the news team.
Champ Kind: What in the hell's diversity?
Ron Burgundy: Well, I could be wrong, but I believe diversity is an old, old wooden ship that was used during the Civil War era.

Alvy Singer: It's mental masturbation!
Annie Hall: And you would know all about that, wouldn't you?
Alvy Singer: Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.

Barbara Weston: Marriage is hard.
Karen Weston: That's one thing about Mom and Dad, you gotta tip your hat to anybody who could stay married that long.
Ivy Weston: Karen, he killed himself.

Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard really. At the age of twelve, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Funny Movie Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls