Funny Quotes From Movies Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Quotes From Movies Biography

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1.   “There's only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other
      people's cultures and the Dutch.”
     2.   “I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults
      that we are. Isn't that right, Mr. Poopy Pants?”
      The Naked Gun 2 ½: The Smell of Fear (1991)
3.   “I'm a mog - half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend.”

4.   “I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I
      remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese
      sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say...”Hey! Look at
      these!"”
5.   “We Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The
      only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation but I hear that's coming
      quickly.” 
6.   “Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Caribbean cruise, where we can hold
      hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old
      Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea.” 
7.   “I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty
      parts.” 
8.   “Attention. Here's an update on tonight's dinner. It was veal. I repeat, veal. The
      winner of tonight's mystery meat contest is Jeffrey Corbin who guessed ‘some kind of
      beef.’” 
9.   “There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your
      flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?” 
10. “Even Oedipus didn't see his mother coming.” 

11. “Time wounds all heels.” 

12. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.” 

13. “For just one night let’s not be co-workers. Let's be co-people.”

14. “I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of
      elderberries. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."                                                           15. “What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd? Let’s get the flock out of here.”

16. “God gave men brains larger than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at
      cocktail parties.” 
17. “The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” 

18. “Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or
      something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.” 
19. “I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my
      socks.” 
20. “I’m kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense. It’s like I have ESPN or something.” 

21. “Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marching across your face.”

22. “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.” 

23. "A jester unemployed is nobody's fool." 

24. “Some people play hard to get. I play hard to want.” 

25. “Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.”

26. “When women go wrong, men go right after them.”

27. “To do then now would be retro. To do then then was very now-tro, if you will.”

28. “Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.” 

29. “I don't date these girls because they're well-read. I gave one of them a copy of
      "Farewell to Arms". She thought it was a diet book.”

30. “Instead of the mahi mahi, may I just get the one mahi because I’m not that hungry?”

31. “If I'm not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” 

32. “Do you know who I used to be?”

33. “I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. I
      looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”
34. “You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you.” 

35. “If we bury you ass up, I’ve got a place to park my bike”.    

36. “When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts but three. When the middle one
      got in the way, God performed surgery. Woman stood before God, with the middle breast
      in hand. Said, ‘What do we do with the useless boob?’, and God created man.” 
37. “I have an interesting case. I'm treating two sets of Siamese twins with split
      personalities. I'm getting paid by eight people.” 
38. “During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were
      compelled to live on food and water for several days.”
39. “I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”

40. “I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens.
      If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.”
41. "Normally, someone would have to go to a bowling alley to meet someone of your
      stature."
42. “Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I never tried.” 

43. “Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes.” 

44. “You know, my mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a
      family of five million, you don't get any attention."

45. “I was married. My husband cheated on me left and right. One day he tells me it's my
      fault he saw other women. So I picked up a knife, and told him it was his fault I was
      stabbing him.” 
46. “Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C.
      on the Q.T.? 'cause if it leaks to the V.C. he could become a M.I.A. and then we'd all
      be put out on K.P.”.  
47. "I'm Al Gore, I used to be the next president of the United States.” 

48. “I know, I know. We are your chosen people. But once in a while can't you choose
      someone else?”
49. “Don’t ever hit your mother with a shovel. It leaves a dull impression on her mind.”

50. “Which reminds me of the time an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a Vicar, a Rabbi
      and a Priest all go into a bar and the barman looks up and says 'Is this a joke?'”

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