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A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, You can't fire me - I quit

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain't likely to hurt you.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...

As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.

Many people die at twenty five and aren't buried until they are seventy five.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas'.

When you become senile, you won't know it.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

You don't know a women till you've met her in court.

Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and three dollar pantyhose that won't run.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Tony Blair is like an actor who doesn't really believe in his script himself but has the incredible skill to make everyone else believe in it.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It's green.

In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.

In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but you can fool enough of them to rule a large country.

Funny T Shirt Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

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